Why My Toaster is Politically Correct and Still Burns My Toast
Why My Toaster is Politically Correct and Still Burns My Toast
It’s a tragedy, a dark comedy, and a very expensive lesson all rolled into one appliance.
1. The Humble Beginnings
Back in the chilly days of 2009 I bought myself a double‑slot, high‑tide, fully‑automatic toaster (written in the brand‑name for creative licence, but the model is real – the “Toaster‑5000”). The packaging promised “well‑deserved toast for everyone – no bias to either side of the bread‑crumb spectrum.” And on the label, in big, black typeface that demanded respect:
“Fully‑automatic, non‑discriminatory browning – always on the right side of the pantry.”
I’m a Londoner, and it was all the comfort of a proper piece of hardware that could speak to the values of my culinary island. I pushed a single button, and I felt the first brush of freedom. Except the freedom was precisely controlled, polite, and—thankly—PC.
2. Politics in the Kitchen
What does a toaster “do” politically? Let’s break it down, one crumb at a time.
| PC Feature | How It Shows Up |
|---|---|
| Neutral Basking | The auto‑pantry scheduler ensures that every slice—fluffy white, toasty whole‑grain, or gluten‑free—receives the exact same amount of heat, because “equal bread‑browning is a matter of civil rights.” |
| Inclusive Settings | ‘Light’ ‘Medium’ ‘Dark’? No, my toaster used Cultural Heritage, Ethical Bread, Free‑Trade sliders. Because the classic colours no longer meet the Universal Bread Equity Act. |
| Crumb‑Free Pathway | The crumb tray is a closed‑source system: “All crumbs processed via the ‘See‑through Composting’ protocol. No crumbs left behind. No crumbs abandoned.” |
| Fair‑Trade Offtake | The toaster’s manual comes with a tight‑fitting packet of seeds that can be committed to an ethical re‑toasting project. “Your waste, re‑browned, at no cost!” |
This is not the ease of a mundane appliance that only cares about getting the job done. My toaster was a motherboard of moral philosophy; a breakfast‑time echo‑cancelling for all bread revolutionaries. It chided me in polite sibilant swoosh when I loaded a baguette that was simply too long: “I am sorry, but I cannot continue. The next division of the world slice is too small.” A truly inclusive gesture.
3. The Tragic Irony
All this talk about equalization and ethics, and yet—every morning I wake up in the throes of charred desperation. The toast is always burnt. My PC toaster is worthy of the Nobel Prize in Persistence in Over‑Browning, but its bacon‑spattered hero status is wholly unearned.
Why this is the case:
-
The Temperature‑Equity Protocol
To maintain “fair” heat distribution, the toaster fosters a steady, low‑level heat that is technically equal across all compartments. Unfortunately, this ‘fairness’ is measured in electrical engineering and not in recipes—an anthropological misreading that leaves the crust of my breakfast caked to a perfect flight‑grade char. -
The Feedback Loop of Equality
Every time I silence the “Golden Standard” oven‑timer, the machine voices its capitulation: “Apologies, the pane is the same level as your colleague’s.” If it could complain about “I was burnt before the bread,” it would have been charming. Instead, you get an unflattering echo of your own economic power dynamics. "Sorry, but we’re all burnt, too." -
The Robust “Sustainability” Program
The toaster canvasses a zero‑burn policy for the environment: if you were to leave a slice unchecked the implication would be a comment on your negligence. When in reality, leaving even a single crumb on the tray purposely triggers a burn‑alarm surprise, which says “We’ll make the world a greener place by adding a drop of burnt… cooking is sustainability, you bright…” -
The Ethical Redeemable Slices
The user is encouraged to add a minute of “Reflexive Re‑browning.” This is an unhelpful suggestion to simply re‑turn the toast for an extra minute. Anyone reading demo videos will note that this essentially means “if you are not satisfied with the color, just suffer more heat.” A clear case of double‑blow‑back.
4. Bottom Line (It Should Be, Heh?)
Do I regret buying the toaster? Yes. Do I still appreciate the plucky attempt at political correctness? Certainly.
Let’s tip the kettle (i.e., the morsels of tea) to all the toasters that strive for equality of crumbs, even as they slip into the all‑too‑dark pillow of burnt browning. They remind us that the quest for equitable kitchens is a journey, not a destination. The moral value remains: we’ll never compromise on bread, even if we must accept the occasional tragedy of the burnt toast.
So the next time you slam a slice into that fair‑trade, politically correct toaster, lean in, whisper, “It’s about the sentiment.” Keep calm, toast on—though the kitchen might need a good wipe‑down after following the path of social justice.
