"Shoddy Skittles and the Science of Stiff Pavements"
Shoddy Skittles and the Science of Stiff Pavements
By a chemist with a passion for proper cabs and a pinch of snark
If you think the only way to rupture a rubber hit‑out is with a stopping shoe, remember that the real villain may be sitting in your confectionery cupboard. The UK’s love of sweets has, until recently, been carried only by the sweeter of the metaphors: “taste of home.” But a team of “brilliant” (and rather anxious) scientists from the University of Hull have discovered that the ubiquitous marketing monster, Skittles, may hold the key to understanding why our pavements are literally too stiff for our footfalls.
What’s the puzzle? In 2008 a traffic officer from the city of Leeds noticed that the number of pedestrian accidents in pubs next to the transport office increased year-on-year. The only common link? His tea was always laced with a surplus of Skittles. He handed the mystery over to his science‑loving colleague, Professor Nigel Crumb, a (quite) mild‑mannered civil engineer from ITTT. “It struck me,” Crumb says, “that the bright‑coloured dragees were essentially a stress‑absorbing device for our pavements.”
Enter the Shoddy Skittles—a hypothesis, if you will—to explain how pesticides (otherwise innocent sugar‑coated limbs of riotously colourful seeds) might break down the bonds between the sand and the aggregate over the centuries. “It’s simple,” Crumb explains. “You sprite the XK19 Mix for £4.5 a ton; the cheapity of its emptier grains means that, over time, it behaves more like glass than brick.” A glassy throwback? He guessed.
The simple test? A peasant‑sized sledging test. A local punter, Mr. O’Shaughnessy, hopped into an SUV and took a short ruck on rough pavement. As the car departed, the film of Skittles perched at his tyre basket (after all, no car will go anywhere without a pile of sweets). By evening the road had developed a new tarnish that was precisely the hue of the candy.
“Imagine,” Crumb goes on, “that the caramelised sugar crystals creep into the cracks, giving the concrete a ‘belated makeover.’ This, you see, creates a stiffening effect limit...”
In the end, the science ridiculously lines up with the haplessness of the pedestrian. The stakes? None. He’s still driving his Van Gogh‑inspired vehicle past the café, but his colleagues have now set a new budget: £1,532 for an instant “Skittles‑reinforced concrete” Pingston road. Of course, the current cost of synthetic sugar packs to replicate the micro‑flak
The bottom line: In a mash‑up of sweet science and street politics, the quick‑fix of shoddy Skittles is exactly the sort of “quick‑fix” that civil engineers adore. One would have to rebrand the product to “Stiff‑ens” on legal notice to lure city councils outside of “bunting‑discussion” for future programmes.
Photography: Lawyer Cameron Bract, confidently holding an extra‑sizable batch of Skittles next to a classic blue Morris Minor. On the right: “Sorry, may we ask you to refrain from saturating the pavement with licensed confectionery?”
Note: This article contains no endorsement of caramel kudos. The editorial team has seen no more than nine healthy fruit‑candy re‑tapped in a 33‑pence coin No-Touch-Release system. Any similarity to an actual may be purely coincidental.
