The Curious Case of the Thesaurus Conspiracy
The Curious Case of the Thesaurus Conspiracy
by Penelope P. Sarcastic, Daily Skewer, 12 February 2026
A Polysyllabic Puzzle
In the quiet town of Fairford, rumours swirl that the beloved “Oxford Handbook of Synonyms & Clichés” is not what it seems. Sources say the book’s last page contains a message written in reverse, in a font no larger than 4‑point size, that reads: “The post office will be closed tomorrow.” Only the prompt replies from the postal service say, “Sorry, we’re not responsible for the ink on the back of old dictionaries.”
The alleged secret society behind the message? The Synonym Syndicate. Founded in 1797 by a herd of sycamores that grew on the old Lockhurst estate, this group believes in a world where “fooled” can be replaced by “tricked”, and “snail” can be swapped for “slow-moving pedestrian”.
The Conspiracy Theory In‑Brief
The “thesaurus conspirators” are said to have infiltrated every major publishing house across the UK. Their mission: to replace all the mundane words in British literature with more glittering alternatives. Their greatest triumph came during the 2014 Christmas edition of The Telegraph when an entire review of a new album was spelt “lyrical splendour” instead of “great music.” The outlet declined to comment, citing editorial independence.
A deep‑fake video posted last week shows a man in a tweed jacket (and a suspiciously early‑2000s cufflink collection) whispering to a group of librarians about a mysterious “library of language” in the basement of the British Library. “All my life, I have known no rival to the power of a good thesaur…, beg… the i in i” whispered the man in the video, blur‑red in real-time.
Police and Schools Respond
Detectives from Scotland Yard are allegedly “now on the case” and suspect that the conspiracy is more about budget cuts at the British National Corpus than about linguistic purism. Local schools have started installing “checked” thesauri next to the maths desks to ward off the urge to use “satisfactory” instead of “okay.”
"We will not allow even a single ‘baffled’ to exist in this school," says Miss Potter, headmistress of St. Giles Primary. "If we use ‘Astonishing’ instead of ‘Extremely’, we risk becoming a rogue word."
Conclusion
Whether the conspiracy is real or a clever marketing scheme by a new brand of “Monochrome Synonyms™,” one thing is clear: the very roots of the English language have been shaken to their core. The Bottom Line? Next time you look up a word in a thesaurus, remember: it could be a covert message, a spy device, or simply an attempt to make your bucket list sound a little more impressive.
— and let’s hope the next update of the thesaurus doesn’t give mightily confused tourists the wrong idea of how to say “please” in any language.
