How to Make a Chaplain Out of a Clueless Home School Teacher (A Step‑by‑Step Guide)
How to Make a Chaplain Out of a Clueless Home‑School Teacher
A Step‑by‑Step Guide (with the Quietest Hints of Britishergonomics)
The following is strictly a parody for the benefit of giggles only. Any resemblance to real life, or any actual attempt to re‑brand an accountant as Saint Bingo‑MacBenediction, is purely coincidental.
Pre‑labours
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Identify the Target – Your ideal conversion candidate is a home‑schooling hero who unknowingly spends half his day sprinting after a toddler who has decided the alphabet and the T‑shirt colours are interchangeable, while mystically chanting arithmetic formulas in a rhythm that looks suspiciously like a church chant.
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Acquire a Suitable Attire – Rubber milk‑gunk is swiftly discarded in favour of a robe. Preferably one that’s long enough to hide the constipated, worn‑out Super‑Duper‑T‑Shirt he hauled for the day. Dig out that old high‑waisted “swimsuit” from the attic; it’s the closest thing to a clerical collar if you’re truly resourceful.
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Find a Resurrection‑Friendly ‘Script’ – Print a laminated copy of the “Student Behaviour Code” (the 12‑page one he keeps in his battered calculator). Check that “Do or do not” is properly italicised. If you can’t locate it, the “Easter Egg” technique works: write a thank‑you note to your future self on a Post‑It, stick it on the Gradebook, and explain to the teacher that this is a “significant scripture.”
Step‑by‑Step Transformation
| Step | Action | British Quip |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Renaming | Rename the classroom from “Science” to “The Sanctuary.” Don’t forget the cheeky pun: “Welcome to the Holy‑Zinc School.” |
| 2 | Prayer in Pupil‑Perspective | Replace the morning bell with a kettledrum and let the teacher recite a “Sentencing Prayer”: “All living Grad‑s are now in pun-imination.” |
| 3 | Seating Arrangement | Convert the row‑by‑row model to a “circle of confession.” The teacher can now ask: “What sins have you imagined in last night’s grocery shopping?” |
| 4 | Repurposed Curriculum | Replace any geography lesson with “The Holy Atlas” – a board game where the teacher drags a crayon finger over a map and declares, “Let there be bus‑lit!). |
| 5 | Sacred Objects | Hide a spare Chaplain’s lily in the pocket of his robe, and place a stapler in a tea kettle. When the teacher coughs, the “gentle roast” is a sweet auditory comfort. |
| 6 | Ordination of T‑shirts | Caress each voluntary sample of clothing with a blessing whispered: “All this humble person, may the right side always face north.” |
| 7 | Revamp the Whiteboard | Cover one side with a prayer list, the other with a “To‑do” list. For added effect, use a mechanical pencil as a candle holder. |
| 8 | Automatic Congratulation | Every time the kid finishes a worksheet, the teacher must recite a hymn: “Huzzah! Another cycle of algebra is finished!” |
| 9 | Integration with UK Law | Pretend the teacher is reading the “Education Act” in the context of a prayer: “May the Act be read by all with faith in the board.” |
| 10 | Credentialing | Provide a certificate for “Master of the Homeschool Abbey,” signed by the local butcher’s shop. |
Special Warning
Be careful: converting an English language teacher into a chaplain may, in extreme cases, cause a mass hysterectomy of mind – where all self‑employment budgets are suddenly answered by a collective “Amen, I need a new bicycle.” Use only if your house is positively bilingual.
Closing Blessing
"May the glaze on the Turkish delight remain subtil. And may the teacher’s tea always hold the right amount of foam to cover any lingering algebraic despair. Amen, or at least, Bar.
(Pronounced with the inclination of a very serious curious, “speak little” pot.*)"
