"Measuring the Though‑will of a Cat and Other Odd Balances of Life"

Measuring the Thought‑Will of a Cat and Other Odd Balances of Life

Published in the Oddities & One‑liners (O&O) Quarterly – because there’s no better way to keep your daily life entertained than by wrestling with something that will never let you win.

1. The Curious Case of the Thought‑Will

"Thought‑will," the term that first buzzed through my mind on a rainy Tuesday, is the cat‑ish version of “inner motivation.” It is the invisible force that drives a cat to chase a modest laser pointer for hours, to interrogate a cardboard box that has already been destroyed the day before, and to stare at you the moment you open a bag of crackers as if you’ve just handed them the vault to the universe.

a. The Method – The Cattometer

What you need:

• a digital scale (so you don’t have to guess which of your cats will burst forth into a reversible avalanche of fur)
• an X‑ray machine (no, not the one your neighbour’s Uncle Gruff had put in his garage).
• a tiny scone‑scented catnip spray.

Procedure:

1. Tare the scale – because nothing feels more deeply personal than a cat being forced to weigh itself in a world that refuses to let carnivorous felines repeat the same mistakes every 24 hours.
2. Expose the cat to the scent of scone. Immediate reaction: “fizzed interest”.
3. Place the laser pointer – red dot, a familiar thing to engage your animal friend’s superb hunting instinct.
4. Record every saccadic blink. An upward knee-jerk, a paw swat, a brief pause that could be considered the most intellectually strenuous act your cat can conceive.

Result: The more time the cat spends chasing the dot, the higher the Thought‑Will rating. If they get distracted by a pigeon outside the window, you’ll get a very low score – that’s just called “spontaneity.”

2. The Balance of Life: The Cat Edition

If you thought the Thought‑Will was the hard part, let me assure you that the balance of life can be more precarious than your cat’s opinion about your loudly‑speaking neighbour.

i. Diet

There’s a delicate equilibrium between salmon, sardines, and the occasional (and highly rated by the authorities) canned chicken. The key is to remember that over‑cooking your cat’s favourite meal won’t eliminate its life goal; it will just cause it to achieve that goal via a new boulder.

ii. Lifestyle

Your cat has two hours a day dedicated to curling under your hat, then 72 hours a week resisting any movement of herbal tea posters into its domain. The secret to commending this schedule revolves around managing your own misplaced socks – finishing a scouring session before a pet scratch appears.

iii. Ethics

Cats, with their inherent aloofness, live by the motto: “If you pace the right cat, it will still not finish the sentences.”

3. Odd Balances that Exist Besides the Cat

Below are a few unconventional balances your everyday life will benefit from watching – all measured in “Cat‑Hours” to keep things relatable.

a. The Clock‑Horse Problem

A clock, a horse, and a counter‑clockwise fan in a voluminous, tiny room; the solution is that all three prove to be more likely to act like a cat if it’s a stormy day.

b. The Glass of Whisky

Properly balanced is a glass of whisky over a hunk of cake. If you manage to sit on a spoon and still fill the cup by reaching for the holes in a half‑cooked pillow, your life has an uplifting tilt to it.

4. Why You Should Keep a Diary

The best way to keep your life in balance with the cat’s Thought‑Will is to scribble down each moment of your daily cat‑versity: the time the cat knocked down a lamp, the minute it observed the queen bee swarm, and that time it happily hesitated on a tuft of twine halfway up the highway.

In the world of Swift, trust that we’ve spent hours apologising for our wrongdoing and that we feel badly obliged – there’s no meaning as your cat attempts to resist your own personal amplexus while you are trying to get these thoughts into a one‑minute clip ("a few attempt to nostro").

In short: Measure; balance; apologise. That is all the mystery in the border rectangle of launch time regarding measuring Thought‑Will of a cat. Enjoy the same and no different, all?

— Your Riddle‑looking Friend,
The O&O Chronicle.