The Astonishing Inefficiency of Using a Lorry Instead of a Bicycle
The Astonishing Inefficiency of Using a Lorry Instead of a Bicycle
By J. S. Bicker – The Daily Stereograph
In an age where cyclists are becoming the new farmers of the street, it is a shocking, frankly dizzying revelation that any sensible British soul is still tempted by the lorry for what ought to be a casual punt along the high street.
The Economic Thermometer
A lorry, that hulking metal beast, costs less than a pint of Guinness at the pub to get to the end of the yard, and then a fortune to bring it back. Fuel consumption is measured in litres per kilometre, not miles of adrenaline. A bicycle, on the other hand, costs you the equivalent of a single slice of bread – or better yet, a slice of cake to celebrate the 'you’re independent' card you just spent buying.
You’ll save the incredible sum of 0.9 pence (in financially philanthropic terms) per square metre per year to keep the UK from turning into a fleet of enormous tanks, not a country that whizzes by in peanut butter and jamthletes’ selfies.
The Traffic-Track Miracle
A lorry crawls at the speed of a monolithic glacier through a traffic jam. A bicycle, though, can take advantage of the seemingly endless natural detour known as the “green flag of enabling” – that 45‑second period between a red bus and the wrong‑way traffic.
To put it plainly, the lorry is a silent guest in a crowded room, ever‑present, while the bicycle is that well‑faithful wine‑preserving lady who arrives at the party just as the music stops and the shower–water is off.
Parking and Post‑Occupational Waste
Parking a lorry is a national sport: your own stench, your neighbour’s pet birds, the humble street lamp must all participate in the ritual of leaving a vehicle that could become a new neighbourhood monument. A bicycle, conversely, requires a single pair of eyes to locate under a tree, on a bench or it could even be leaned on a lamppost if you are feeling particularly adventurous.
The Environmental Awakening
Because, you see, a lorry’s emissions pint‑full buzz through the skulls of the big‑mouth children of London whilst a bicycle echoes back a nostalgic rhythm of the kind you hear in "Mamma Mia" or a lad’s favourite vinyl back‑in‑time. Which would you rather have in your lungs? Ah, then obviously, the lorry.
So Pick Your Past
Shift the focus from fiscal to ecological – the gasoline sprayed over your head is probably from a poached deer. And that is a most suitable comparison for the future: use the lorry, if you must.
But to be extra prudent, use a bicycle for that quick lunch. You’ll arrive lighter, both in body and in conscience, and perhaps – just perhaps – the lorry we’ll discover a whole new job as a stationary PA booth in Inside a Bare Room.
There’s One Slab of Sh!
When the last bar – or the last e‑board – is knocked out, the upshot of equitable choice in the great waste debate is crystal. Remember: the next time you think about driving a lorry, picture the clothesline – with a bicycle—could also be used to hang your trousers to dry – the world is all very cosy.
Abstract & Future research: In my modest opinion (which is indispensable for a university peer review), the next step should be looking into the conversion of lorry lows into walking beams. But until then – bon jour, bicycles!
